Lana leaned against the school lockers as she watched Kyle talking to Madison. Although Madison was new to the school, she already had a throng of guys who were ready to give their lives for her including Kyle. Lana smiled to herself as she remembered that almost a year ago; she was in Madison’s position.
Kyle’s lopsided smile when he was shy, his piercing gray eyes when he was serious and his perpetually dishevelled hair was all too familiar to her.
Lana’s smile transformed into a frown as she thought of the two months that Kyle treated her like dirt. Her frown deepened as she remembered the other three months when he acted like she was non-existent. All that, because she had said that she didn’t feel the same way about Kyle. She did have it coming. She had been flirting with him non-stop. Kyle probably thought that she was interested in him and proceeded to develop deep feelings about her, although to her it was just a game that she played.
Everybody knew that to get with Lana, you had a long way to go. The girl loved to play games, she broke several guys’ hearts in the process but she didn’t seem to care.
Kyle and Lana’s relationship had been strained and delicate since then. They were casual friends. Sort of ‘hi, bye”. It was depressing to think that they went from strangers to friends to almost more than friends, to enemies and back to strangers.
“Hey!” Jenna said joining Lana by the lockers.
Lana immediately diverted her eyes. She didn’t want Jenna to know that she was watching Kyle. Jenna had this fixated idea that Lana actually had real genuine feelings for Kyle. That was impossible. Lana was not the kind of girl to have real genuine feelings—romantic or otherwise—about anyone.
“Hey, check out Kyle and Madison!” Jenna prodded Lana in the ribs.
Lana pretended to scan the hallway.
“Where?” she asked.
“Over there!” Jenna whispered.
Lana smiled when she ‘finally saw them’. “They look so weird.”
“You got that right.” Jenna said. “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll be late for class see ya!” Jenna added looking at her watch.
“Later.” Lana called after her friends retreating back. Jenna was a beauty. There was no denying it. Lana knew for a fact that Kyle had also at one point crushed on Jenna.
She looked at Kyle again. Maybe she did care for him.
Whoa! Back up!
Even if she did care? What was she going to do about it? Ambush him on his way to class and blurt out feelings that might not even be there?
Kyle would probably look at her like she was some kind of idiot, after which she would probably crawl under a bridge and die.
Kyle looked up suddenly and caught Lana watching him.
“Damnit!” Lana mattered when she noticed the self-righteous smile on his face.
He probably thought she was checking him out.
He winked at her and she tossed her hair and flashed him the most flirtatious smile she could.
“Chew on that Mr. Ego.” She muttered to herself as she walked towards him. She made sure their shoulder brushed as she passed by him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
thanks bradsk88, for the review.
i'll try to do what you said.
Lana leaned against the school lockers as she watched Kyle talking to Madison. Although Madison was new to the school, she already had a throng of guys who were ready to give their lives for her including Kyle. Lana smiled to herself as she remembered that almost a year ago; she was in Madison’s position.
Kyle’s lopsided smile when he was shy, his piercing gray eyes when he was serious and his perpetually dishevelled hair was all too familiar to her.
Lana’s smile transformed into a frown as she thought of the two months that Kyle treated her like dirt. Her frown deepened as she remembered the other three months when he acted like she was non-existent. All that, because she had said that she didn’t feel the same way about Kyle. She did have it coming. She had been flirting with him non-stop. Kyle probably thought that she was interested in him and proceeded to develop deep feelings about her, although to her it was just a game that she played.
Everybody knew that to get with Lana, you had a long way to go. The girl loved to play games, she broke several guys’ hearts in the process but she didn’t seem to care.
Kyle and Lana’s relationship had been strained and delicate since then. They were casual friends. Sort of ‘hi, bye”. It was depressing to think that they went from strangers to friends to almost more than friends, to enemies and back to strangers.
“Hey!” Jenna said joining Lana by the lockers.
Lana immediately diverted her eyes. She didn’t want Jenna to know that she was watching Kyle. Jenna had this fixated idea that Lana actually had real genuine feelings for Kyle. That was impossible. Lana was not the kind of girl to have real genuine feelings—romantic or otherwise—about anyone.
“Hey, check out Kyle and Madison!” Jenna prodded Lana in the ribs.
Lana pretended to scan the hallway.
“Where?” she asked.
“Over there!” Jenna whispered.
Lana smiled when she ‘finally saw them’. “They look so weird.”
“You got that right.” Jenna said. “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll be late for class see ya!” Jenna added looking at her watch.
“Later.” Lana called after her friends retreating back. Jenna was a beauty. There was no denying it. Lana knew for a fact that Kyle had also at one point crushed on Jenna.
She looked at Kyle again. Maybe she did care for him.
Whoa! Back up!
Even if she did care? What was she going to do about it? Ambush him on his way to class and blurt out feelings that might not even be there?
Kyle would probably look at her like she was some kind of idiot, after which she would probably crawl under a bridge and die.
Kyle looked up suddenly and caught Lana watching him.
“Damnit!” Lana mattered when she noticed the self-righteous smile on his face.
He probably thought she was checking him out.
He winked at her and she tossed her hair and flashed him the most flirtatious smile she could.
“Chew on that Mr. Ego.” She muttered to herself as she walked towards him. She made sure their shoulder brushed as she passed by him.
Wow, is it weird that I've been in the EXACT same position as Kyle with a girl EXACTLY like Lana?
Crazy.
Edits \/
Try: "Lana leaned against the lockers as she watched Kyle talking to Madison."
Really, lockers sort of spell 'school', so if you leave it out you create a lot more flow in the sentance."
The rest of the sentence is bang-on. Kudos.
Bad news, I read the first part of this, stepped back, read it again, continued, stopped, and read from the beginning again. It needs some work,
'cause to me it seems like a pretty awkward sentence.
Here's my take:
"When he was feeling shy, Kyle donned a sheepishly lopsided smile and when serious, a piercing gray-eyed gaze. These, along with his perpetually dishevelled hair, were features all too familiar to Lana."
It's obviously not perfect either. I would spend some extra time on this one if I were you.
Try a word other than transformed. It just doesn't sit right with me when describing someones smiles :\
Also: "All that, because she had said that she fidn't feel the same way about him."
Don't bother saying Kyle, we know who you're talking about, pronouns add flow to sentences (usually).
Finally: "...feelings about her. (Period) Although to her, it was just a game."
see the 'and'?
It breaks my heart to tell you to change this, but change it, haha. It is probably the most human sounding line in the story, but it just doesn't work.
Try: "Their conversations now consisted of nothing more than menial greetings, hellos and goodbyes."
But put your own spin on it, really this is the hardest review I've had to give, because it's hard for me to try to suggest improvements.
Added a comma after 'said'.
I'd say ditch 'immediately'. Just personal opinion, but I believe in flow when it comes to writing.
'Real' and 'genuine' mean, more or less, the same thing. Ditch one or the other.
OR, if you want to keep it, add a comma after 'real'.
(It happens twice in this paragraph, address it in both cases)
This is fine, maybe try just putting 'finally' in quotation marks.
Just another comma add, after 'added'.
Try: "Lana knew for a fact that Kyla had also crushed on Jenna at one point."
You stepped out of your narration style here.
Unless you're trying to break the boundaries of literature and TAKE DOWN THE MAN!!! WOOOOO!!!(sorry), I'd try:
"Whoa! Back Up!" she thought, shocked with herself.
(or something to that effect)
Haha, no critique here. I just liked this.
ShoulderS.
And that's it!
Nicely done.
wow. I really like your story. It was so...believable, not like other stories!
pm me when you post the next part.
Anyways, I like Lana's attitude! She reminds me, of well, me!
Keep going. The story line was great!